Very shortly after my post on March 1st, I am pulled back by the realities of having a full-time corporate job. I was ecstatic that I was out of the job hunt, but I was also acutely aware that my mental health was taking a dip and that the start of this new role wouldn’t be as smooth sailing.

Guess what, my gut was right. Right off the bat within my first week, I was already speaking to partners about onboarding them to this new tool that I barely even understood myself. I found myself anxious and stressed half the time, which made me very hesitant to do a lot of things because I was afraid I was going to get overwhelmed very quickly.

The company culture is so chaotic and messy; there’s no respect for proper new hire onboarding because every new hire is hired based on a panic oh-shit-we-are-drowning basis, instead of a long-term carefully thought out plan. The worst part was working on my very first project with a very difficult partner who basically gave me PTSD from the whole time working with her. The worst part is I have to be the person to connect with this person for all things related to my role. I rather go sit in a lion’s den.

Somehow, I’ve made it through almost ten months of this slow torture. I’m hanging on by a thread with my mental health — I started taking meds for my anxiety because it was getting to a point where I couldn’t control or talk myself out of it anymore. However, that sense of dread and ever-running thoughts aren’t going away, even though the medication has made me slightly less reactive mentally and emotionally.

I have a plan. The plan is to see through this current project to its completion (or at least by 90%~) by end-March or earlier, then I “disappear.” By mid-March, my first trench of RSUs would’ve vested and I take that as my dues are paid for my first year in this wrenched role. How I “disappear” is truly dependent on what happens there and then. I have a couple of options I’m thinking of. There’s also the news of the company being bought out — who knows what will happen when that deals goes through. I’m surely certain there will be some form of restructuring and layoffs cause they aren’t kidding anyone when they say “nothing changes for now.” Lies.

For now, I’m really taking it day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute. I set boundaries. I am not bending my back for anyone. I am sticking to my timelines and my goals. Everything else wouldn’t matter to me anymore as I’m not planning to be around anymore.

I had hoped that there will be a full-time role that opens up with my old team as I really miss working with the whole bunch of them, even with all the messiness of the organization. I didn’t feel like I was alone; I could sense and feel the team camaraderie. I miss the sense of belonging even though I absolutely hated the director of the team. Pfft.

Well, that’s all I have to say for now. Hopefully it wouldn’t be another eight months before I get this blog updated. Keeping my fingers crossed for a much peaceful rest of November and December. Everyone just chill the fuck out. Thank you.